Excuse me.
I beg your pardon. Aren't you Guy Haines?
Oh, sure.
I saw you blast Faraday right off the court in South Orange last season.
- Made the semifinals, didn't you? - Yeah.
Oh, I certainly admire people who do things.
By the way, my name is Bruno. Bruno Anthony. See?
It's corny, but my mother gave it to me...
- so I wear it to please her. - How do you do?
I don't talk much. You go ahead and read.
Thanks.
You know, it must be pretty exciting to be so important.
- Tennis player isn't so important. - But people who do things are.
Me, I never do anything.
I suppose you're going to Southampton for the doubles.
You are a tennis fan.
Gee, I wish I could go watch you, but I've gotta get back to Washington.
I'm from Arlington, you know.
- Cigarette? - No, thanks. I don't smoke much.
Me, I smoke too much.
Oh, here.
Oh, thanks.
Elegant.
"From A to G." I'll bet I can guess who "A" is.
- Yeah? - Anne Morton.
You see, sometimes I turn the sports page, and I see the society section.
And the pictures. She's very beautiful.
Senator Morton's daughter, huh?
You're quite a reader, Mr. Anthony.
Yes, I am. Ask me anything.
I got the answer.
Even about people I don't know.
Like who would like to marry whom...
when his wife gets her divorce.
Perhaps you read too much.
Oh, there I go again. Too friendly. It always happens.
I meet somebody who I like and admire, and I open my mouth too much.
That's all right, forget it. I guess I'm a little jittery.
Oh, there's a new cure for that.
- Waiter. - Yes, sir.
Scotch and plain water, please. A pair. Doubles.
The only kind of doubles I play.
You'll have to drink both.
And I can do it.
When's the wedding?
- What? - The wedding. You and Anne Morton.
It was in the papers.
It shouldn't have been. Unless they legalized bigamy overnight.
Oh, I've got a wonderful theory about that.
Someday I'll tell you about it.
But right now, I suppose divorce is, well, the simplest operation.
It's wonderful having you as company all the way to New York.
I'm not going direct. I'm stopping off at Metcalf.
Metcalf? Who would want to stop off at Metcalf?
Well, it's my hometown.
Oh, I get it. A little chat with your wife about the divorce.
Close enough.
Thanks. I think I will.
Well, here's luck.
Drink up, and we'll have lunch sent to my compartment.
Thanks, but I'll go to the dining car. Oh, waiter.
Are there any seats in the diner?
Not for about 20 minutes, sir.
You'll have to lunch with me.
here's to the next Mrs. Haines.
Sure, I went to college. Got kicked out of three of them.
Drinking and gambling.
Not like you, huh? All right, so I'm a bum.
Who said you were?
My father.
He hates me.
With all his money,
he thinks I ought to catch the 8:05 bus
every morning...
punch a time clock and work my way up selling paint or something.
What do you think of a man like that?
- Well, I think possibly... - Yes, I hate him too.
I tell you, I get so sore at him sometimes...
I want to kill him.
- I don't think you know what you want. - Well, I want to do something.
Everything.
You know, I've got a theory that you should do everything before you die.
Have you ever driven a car blindfolded at 150 miles an hour?
Not lately.
I did. I flew in a jet plane too.
Man, that's a thrill. Almost blew the sawdust out of my head.
And I'm going to make a reservation on the first rocket to the moon.
- What are you trying to prove? - Well, I'm not like you.
You're lucky. You're smart.
Marrying the boss' daughter makes
a nice shortcut to a career, doesn't it?
Marrying the senator's daughter has nothing to do with it.
Can't I look beyond a tennis net without being out for something?
Take it easy. I'm your friend,
remember? I like you.
I'd do anything for you.
Sure, Bruno.
We'll be pulling in soon. I've got to change trains.
What did you say her name was? Your wife's?
- Miriam. - Miriam, that's it.
Miriam Joyce Haines.
I suppose she played around a lot.
Skip it, Bruno.
It's painful for a man to discover he's been a chump.
Okay.
Wanna hear one of my ideas for a perfect murder?
The "light socket in the bathroom"...
or the "carbon monoxide in the garage"?
Neither one. I may be old-fashioned,
but murder is against the law.
What is a life or two, Guy?
Some people are better off dead.
Well, like your wife and my father, for instance.
Oh, that reminds me of a wonderful idea I had once.
I used to put myself to sleep at night figuring it out.
Now, let's say that you'd like to get rid of your wife.
- That's a morbid thought. - No, no, no. Just suppose.
Let's say you had a good reason.
- No, let's not... - No, no. Let's say.
You'd be afraid to kill her. You know why. You'd get caught.
And what would trip you up?
The motive.
Ah... Now, here's my idea.
I haven't got time to listen.
Listen. It's so simple too.
Two fellows meet accidentally, like you and me.
No connection. Never saw each other before.
Each one has somebody that he'd like to get rid of.
So. they swap murders.
Swap murders?
Each does the other's murder.
Then there's nothing to connect them.
Each one has murdered a stranger.
Like you do my murder, I do yours.
We're coming into my station.
For example, your wife, my father. Crisscross.
What?
We do talk the same language, don't we?
Sure, we talk the same language. Thanks for lunch.
I'm glad you enjoyed it. The lamb chops were a little overdone.
Nice meeting you.
Now, you think my theory's okay, Guy?
I mean, you like it?
Sure, Bruno, sure.
They're all okay.
Crisscross.
Hi, Bill.
Guy Haines! Good to see you, boy.
You better win at Southampton.
I got 2 bucks on you.
- Park these in a lucky spot, will you? - Sure thing.
One-fifty, 2, 3, 4, 5. There you are.
- Thank you very much. - You're welcome.
- Hello, Guy. - You're looking well, Miriam.
So are you.
Got a nice tan playing tennis with all your rich friends.
What time do we meet your lawyer?
- What's your hurry? - My hurry?
That's funny, coming from you.
You're the one who's in a hurry, aren't you?
When you wouldn't give me the divorce...
I sort of hoped it was
because you were jealous.
I got over being jealous a long time ago, Miriam.
Let's talk in here.
Well, this is cozier.
Sort of like old times, isn't it?
Oh, skip it, Miriam.
It's pretty late to start flirting with a discarded husband.
Especially when you're going to have another man's baby.
You know, I think you're handsomer than ever.
Let's see your lawyer and get this over with.
You bring the money? Lawyers are expensive.
Yes.
Here it is.
If I'd known what all that tennis nonsense of yours would lead to...
I wouldn't have run out on you.
What are you trying to say, Miriam?
I'm not getting a divorce.
You little double-crosser! I didn't want this divorce. You did.
You've been harping about it all year!
It's a woman's privilege to change her mind.
Now I can buy me some pretty new clothes.
I wouldn't want you to be ashamed of me in Washington...
when we go to all those swanky parties.